Slowly, but Surely…

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to post anything…Since that last, terrible day, BF and I moved back home and are now living with our respective parents. It definitely sucks in a big way, but it’s for the best and we’re still going strong. It’s been a long, bumpy road, but we’re finally starting to head in the direction we want to go. We’re on vacation with his family in Tahoe right now and while I haven’t been able to draw anything since we’ve been here, I’ve taken some nice pictures. It’s been so relaxing here, I almost dread going back to reality, but BF will be there so it won’t be all bad.

If you ever get the chance, go to Lake Tahoe. It’s truly one of the most beautiful places you’ll ever see! #keeptahoeblue

Disater and Reset

This was literally the WORST weekend ever. I won’t get into it because it causes me actual, physical pain..that, and I’m over crying. I did it all day yesterday and now I’m super dehydrated.

However, it can always be worse. We at least have a roof over our heads for the next two weeks..and we both have jobs! So we just have to keep heading towards that light at the end of the tunnel.

I did this around the same time as I did the one in February. It’s from the same night and I used the same materials as the other one (regular sketchbook paper, pencil, chalk pastels and water for the watercolor effect and black artist pens), it’s just a different area. 

I’m going to miss Long Beach, it quickly became my home, but I know we’ll be back soon, and better than ever. We have effectively hit the “reset button” and now we just have to build ourselves back up.

Tomorrow

Big, busy day tomorrow: we’re moving out! We still don’t have any money (I haven’t been paid yet and BF still has to take the test cuz, again, no money for it), but we at least have a place to stay for a few weeks. I’m still beyond stressed. I feel terrible because, lately, I’ve been taking it out of my BF. Today, even, we were trying to sell some things so we could eat and get gas and things just weren’t working in our favor shocking, I know. He was trying so hard to make me smile and laugh, it was kind of working, but then he said something, I don’t even know what it was now, but it set me off and I straight up said, “Oh, fuck off, okay?!” I feel terrible about it now. I felt bad about it then, too, but at the time, I was blinded by irritation and stress. I’m so over feeling stressed and angry all the time…it’s exhausting. Anyway, I’m excited to be out of and away from here. \

I did this the other day to try to calm down and relax. I found the picture online, and decided to try just doodling. I used a black artist pen (no pencil, whaaaaat!) and chalk pastels. It’s different from anything I’ve done and I kinda like it!

Sick

I know brighter days are on the horizon for me and my BF, but until then, I am SO SICK of my mother breathing down my neck. It’s as though I’m in high school again! I don’t understand why, but she just can’t let me grow as my own person. She has to have an opinion and a decision in everything I do. And any idea I have made myself, obviously isn’t mine. Tattoos are something I have always wanted (I have literally drawn on myself since, like, 5th grade), when I got mine, she automatically assumed it was my best friend’s idea. She wasn’t even there! I understand she just cares and blah blah blah, but come ON! How am I supposed to learn and grow as a person if I can’t do things for myself make decisions for myself?? I just want to scream sometimes, “I AM NOT YOU!” Like it’ll make a difference, I’ve been saying variations of that sentence since high school to no effect. It’s gotten to the point to where I dread talking to her. I have even had to hang up on her a few times! Today when she called, she at one point said something to the effect of me breaking up with my BF and that I will find someone new. …Are you fucking kidding me? You are not the one to live with him! You don’t know just how much he does for me or how much he wants to take care of me! So, please back the fuck on up out of my life right now. I do not give up on people easily, especially the ones I care about. I’ve pretty much given up on her, it’s been ebbing and eroding away more and more over the years, but now this is about all I can take. I’m so done trying to put up with this and defend this behavior.

In other news, we’re moving out of our apartment and have no where to go. We’re hoping to stay and my BF’s godmother’s, but we haven’t been able to reach her yet. I’ve been looking into shelters we could stay at, but then I’d feel terrible for taking a spot that someone may need more than me. I’m more than willing to live out of my car until we save enough for a place of our own. Please send good vibes, thoughts, prayers, juju, etc our way.

Here are some photographs I took while on a walk an evening or two ago. I love my city.

Dreaming…

Just dreaming of Hawai’i today…Here are some of my favorite pictures that I took from my family trip to Maui back in 2013. I’ve never felt so at peace or at home in a place. I hope I will be able to go back in the future. Aloha ❤

Me, Again..

Two posts in..*mumbled number* days?! Whaaaaaat?

Anyway, I know I do more apologizing than anything here, but I am not only crazy busy with life and stuff, but I just flat-out forget about posting. Plus, not guna lie, I’ve been a little more than obsessed with PokemonGo recently (bite me). It’s definitely gotten me out of the house more, which is great for someone trying to get healthy/lose some weight!

The point of this post is to help me at least try to keep up with this. I will be on vacation this weekend, though, but, hopefully, that’ll just mean that I’ll have some fresh material to share!

I really hope I’m not jinxing us, but things are finally looking up for us! Like, I’m actually excited for what the future may hold! For example, we’re finally getting out of our shit apartment–hooray for no more bugs and unbearable heat (super first-world problem, I know) And we both have really great jobs (I just got a new one and am about to leave the other as no one deserves to me mistrusted for no reason (I can’t remember if I said it already, but) it’s not just me she mistrusts, it’s everyone she hired! My opinion: if you can’t trust the people you hire, maybe don’t run a business?

At any rate, I think I’ll share one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken of the Bay Bridge in San Francisco. I took it last summer while walking back to the Embarcadero Bart Station from AT&T Park after watching my beloved Giants lose. The way the lights played on the water, literally took my breath away (as cheesy as that sounds). Unfortunately, though, this picture doesn’t do it half justice! I think I took it with Snapchat and I don’t know about anyone else, but my camera on Snapchat suuuuuuuucks!

Man, I miss my City by the Bayeeayeeee oooooOOOOO OOOH Ooohh OoOhh ❤

It’s Been a While…

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while, my boyfriend and I have, unfortunately, fallen on hard times. Basically, we can’t pay our rent this month…We kind of have jobs, but that doesn’t help us at all. A little background: my job is only during the school year, however, my boss for some unknown reason doesn’t trust any of the amazing, hard-working people she hired, including myself, so I have no idea if I’m going to have a job or not come the beginning of the school year. However, I’ve got an interview lined up so send positive vibes our way! As for my BF, he’s basically got the job, he just has to take a test and he’s in, again, please send good vibes our way! I haven’t been feeling terribly inspired recently because of all this stress, but I do have an unfinished project I’m working on that feels in conjunction with my present state that I think I’ll share. I did have an alternate reason for this post, which was to share my GoFundMe page, however, I was only met with people tearing me down and telling me that I “need to work hard and earn my money”, when, joke’s on them at one pint, I was working 3 jobs at once. Where did all of the empathy go in this world? Why do we feel the need to tear others down instead of help them? I have since deleted said page, so to anyone who just thought I was asking for handouts without first trying to earn money so my boyfriend and I could continue to live in our house, I give up. You win.

P.S. Forgive picture quality and the mess…My life is kind of falling apart right now and I don’t have the energy to clean anymore.

I am SO Sorry!

I fail at being a blogger! I’ve been so busy lately with working two jobs, trying to do artsy things, attempting to get in shape, looking for a new job(s), and looking for a new place to live. I’m too pooped to pop! I promise I’m working on something. I’ve hit a bit of a roadblock–*mumbles* proportions *grumbles* stupid–But a finished product is coming! In the meantime, here’s a sketch of my hand I did a few weeks ago with pencil and artist pens.

I’m getting pretty good at hands if I do say so myself! ^_^

Work In Progress

How do you tell someone you love that they made the right decision in not jumping off a balcony when the actions of his “friends” seem to tell him otherwise? I am appalled by the things they’ve done/have been doing.

Some backstory: almost a year ago, now, my BF was in a relationship with this girl I thought was a friend she turned out to be a raging c-word, however. One day she decides she doesn’t love him anymore, so she tells him effectively breaking up with him. He’s completely blindsided because, being an adult, he thought they could work out their problems and he really did love her. Being so blindsided and not knowing what else to do, he tried to jump off their balcony (he knew he was wrong the second he stepped up there), thankfully she stopped him. For that I will be forever grateful. Fast-forward a few months, we fall into a relationship (it was no our intent, he needed a friend and I wanted to be there for him in a way I never did when I went through my worst breakup (that’ll be another story, if I haven’t told it already) us falling for each other just kind of happened. Anyway, things start to change within our friend group and people seem to be taking her “side”. Even the two boys (yes, boys, they’re early 20s and have yet to act like men) he thought were his best friends. He did tell them, too that them hanging out with her made him uncomfortable. Now, when your best friend tells you something you do, like hanging out with their ex, makes them uncomfortable, you’d stop, right? Or at least stop plastering it on social media. Right? Or is that an old-fashioned way of thinking? Whatever. They don’t stop, in fact, they straight up say “Oh…well I just wan to be friends with everyone”…….. I’m sorry, what?….Ok, then tell me: why is it that whenever HE needs you you say “sorry, not now, buddy I got <some excuse> right now” Yet, YET whenever she wants to hang out you drop everything? Pretty sure you’re breaking the “Bro-Code”. I just don’t get it. We tried to talk to them when we went home for Spring Break and one of them was like “Yeah, I’ve got all day free for you guys!” BUT when it came to giving a time to meet, it was “I have a life, so I need to know by six” ASSHOLE I HAVE A LIFE, TOO! WE CAME UP HERE TO SEE OUR FAMILIES NOT YOU AND TO TAKE CARE OF SHIT. GO FUCK YOURSELF. I did give them a time (after the 6pm deadline, though, cause you know, family) and I waited for an HOUR for nothing, neither showed up. Some friends, huh? We actually cut our time up there short because of them and I cried the whole way home pretty much (on top of that, I had had a HUGE fight with my mother, too).

I’m sorry I’m not talking about art, but earlier today I saw a tweet from BF that made me go “*sigh* What happened now?”. When I got home he would hardly speak to me and said he didn’t want to talk about it when I asked. He finally muttered “I should have just gone through with it” Me: “What?” BF:”I should have just jumped off the balcony. Everyone would have been better off and, clearly, they’d be just fine without me!” I was stunned and saddened. Tears started to fall. “Don’t say that.” BF: “Why? It’s not like it would have made a difference!” Tears are really falling, now. “That’s a terrible thing to say!” BF: “Sorry, the truth is terrible.” “That’s not the truth!” “Their actions have made it very clear…I truly have no one, now.” “You have me. And <our other friend>, too.” “I don’t even think I have him either…I didn’t get anything from him on Saturday.” (Saturday was our birthday–yes, our birthday) “I didn’t get anything from him either!” And then our conversation circled back with “I should have just done it”

I don’t know what to do. I can say “No, you shouldn’t have.” or “You made the right choice not to.” until I’m blue in the face, but until his “friends” start acting like “friends” it’s just going to keep flashing through his mind.